Lost. I am lost. All these times I have struggled to find myself, but then again, I am lost. I was treating myself as someone special. I was treating myself as if I have an admirable value; which I should not because all I have is the contrary. I was just trying to look for answers, but I was given more questions. I was just trying to fit in, but I was bombarded with harsh judgement. I was just trying to give myself to people, but all I had were rejections. Why does it have to always be this way? I sought, I wandered much further. I invested my faith into someone they said can give me answers. I held on until my hands were full of blood and my body was tired of everything. But then again, I was just given more questions. More harsh judgement. More rejections. I tried to talk, but no one ever listened. I tried to ask for help, but no one seemed to understand.

What did I do to deserve this? 

They say I’m not a failure. They say no one ever made was a failure. Then am I the special unresolved case that this world has been looking for? They told me that everyone was made for a reason. Everyone has their own roles in life. Then if that’s the case am I made just to die? I tried to kill myself. I tried to pierce the knife into my pulse but I was scared. I was ready, but something was hindering me. Then it hit me. Whatever I do to kill myself I still can’t hide the fact that I am already dead. They told me that I was unique and special. They even had tears in their eyes and hopeful smiles on their faces as they tell me these lies. All I had inside me was this little voice that tells me that I should not believe in them; I should not listen to them. They are liars. If not, maybe they’re blind. I still do not believe that someone actually guides me. I know no one who does. If indeed there is, then I should go by the right path by now. Either I am being lured into a cliff or my guide is nonexistent.

My life is useless. Everything about me is useless. I am useless. What craziness has come into this world that it decided to produce someone as useless as me? Am I even necessary? Maybe the world was full of positivity that it needed me; that it needed this kind of negativity. I gave everything that I had. I mastered that deed too much that I was left with nothing. Well, what should I be shocked of? My entire personality is made of nothingness and it always stayed that way. The only reason why I’m holding on now is the fact that I want to see the beauty of this world much more. I want to see the colors and the love it has before I disperse into darkness. I want to bath myself with imaginations before I bath myself in blood.

Soon, it will end. This world shall worry one person less. But before it does, I want people to hear my heart. ONE. LAST. TIME.

Advertisements